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[17 Dec 2009|01:23am] |
so data entry job, they only had part time positions left, but its actually 17 dollars an hour.. so that kind of makes up for it not being full time.
anyway. looks like its going to be easy, the people are really fun and nice and shit.
they didnt care about my purple hair, the girl who works for the federal gov who did my finger printing and shit put down my hair color in the gov system as purple, haha i wonder how long that is going to follow me...
i miss james. horribly. id really love to get back to him but at this point in time i am broke. in a huge way.
im actually in debt. i had to pay my cell bill with my credit card and i always swore that i wouldnt put something on my credit card that i didnt have the money in my checking, but i am at the point that i cant be late and i dont have the money in my checking, so whatever. im only like 60 bucks out. which hopefully for christmas my grandma will give me liquid funds that i can pay everything off, im only concerned with breaking even until the first of the year. im going to have to start pulling the last of my money from savings for school because of my payment plan is going to automatically deduct from my checkings. ugh stress. atleast i got the job that can make everything happen. it may not be as i thought it was going to be but i have a feeling in the end its going to work out regardless.
possible trip with shae at the begining of feb if i can somehow get money, but i have no idea how that is going to happen or if im going to be able to get the time off from the new job/miss school.
i do have to stay on with uhaul while i work the new job and goto school so i need to let them know at some point i only want to work on the weekends which i dont think theyre going to like but i dont really care because theyre basically changing literally everything and fucking me over, so pretty much fuck uhaul. i cant stand that job but if i do end up movin to seattle at the end of the new job since its over in july it would be good to still beo n with uhaul to keep a couple bucks coming in while ilook fora job up there, but im really not all that worried beause i should have a nice nest egg.
holy shit i just totally wrote way too much. go team me.
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[30 Nov 2009|11:04pm] |
so i applied for about 4 different jobs for the 2010 census.
i got a call for an interview (which I have to call back next week to set up the interview since im going to be out of town when they wanted to do it)
the mailing office is here in phoenix so id either do data entry, file the mail, open envolopes, scan etc.
40 hours a week, 14 dollars an hour. i could work like 3pm-11pm of 4-12 etc
then goto school in the mornings.
the job is from jan-july
i did the math, i could save up 16 grand from this job, and move by the time i wanted to, this.. is pretty much it, this is the fucking job that can make everything possible. will i end up being exhausted and running myself into the ground? yes. but it would be a great change from uhaul because that job is depressing me and i cant stand it anymore. i would keep it to work on the weekends for a few hours, but other then that, yea.. im fed up with uhaul.
my dad and mom are saying i cant do it, because ill end up "fucking everything up and failing"
james pretty much blew off what i said because he wants me to move there before july, but i honestly cant do it if i dont take this job.
my friends arent being supportive about it.
im just so fucking pissed off at everyone. this is my chance and theyre bringing me down.
so im going to do it and work everything out because this job can make EVERYTHING possible.
and pretty much just fuck everyone else who says i cant do it and aren't supporting me.
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[28 Nov 2009|02:15am] |
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i just wrote a novel. uuuhh
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[23 Oct 2009|12:39am] |
its just a dream i keep having
but it doesnt seem to mean anything.
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[15 Oct 2009|12:20am] |
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I feel like the universe has bent me over and is gang raping me in the ass like a ruphied girl at a frat party. I'm goiing to be broke by the time I get to seattle. Hooray. I'm going to have to take money out of my savings to be able to eat while I'm there. Fhjiddo. I knew it was too good to be true I knew it was going to end up fucking me in someway. You always get the last laugfh don't you universe?
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[02 Oct 2009|12:13pm] |
i learned through bit lips and ground teeth
i learned to fight, fuck, love, and leave before you bleed.
i learned a brave man is nothing but a tease
i learned a weak man refused to flee
lessons learned
lessons learned
these weren't for me.
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[19 Sep 2009|12:26am] |
im not going to justify myself
im not going to justify the situation.
because i dont have to.
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[17 Sep 2009|04:27pm] |
i am a good person
good things will come to me if i keep trying
no matter how doubtful i am i have to say i did it
god im so pumped randomly
i have to get out of here. i have to get out of here.
i have to work my ass off. i have to pick up extra hours and work my days off.
i have to push myself to the limit. i have to try and find a seasonal job.
i have to get out of here.
i have it.
i have the dream
i have the plan
i have the person i love
i have the reasons.
no time to breathe.
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[14 Aug 2009|12:16am] |
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this song makes me burst into tears.
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[10 Jun 2009|07:17am] |
I am not to be someone’s hero
I am nothing to aspire to.
I surround myself with under achievers to make me feel better about myself.
In reality this has screwed me because I now no longer see the need to strive to succeed.
I spent 8 months on someone, who I knew going into the relationship was never going to change and was only going to hurt me, which why for the first time, when it ended, I wasn’t disappointed, but merely surprised by how jaded I have become.
I was the girl who always wanted more, the girl who was never supposed to be here. It was beautiful. (Referring to the poetic justice of dreaming) Her dreaming is what kept her here. Her dreaming is what ruined this all in the first place. If she would have taken charge and not listened to all the petty lies then she probably would have gotten out. Now she is cursed to lay here in her twin sized bed and think that it wasn’t going to change. That she was going to die in this place, just as she predicted when she was 12 years old. In a way you could say it was all for love. Her entire existence was for the finding of real, true, romantic, mind-blowing, life changing-love. Yet she ended up empty handed every time she watched the person she loved walk away. She ended up with missing memories and possessions and romanticized images of the destruction of these things. She was going to get nowhere living like this. She was falling into other peoples lives and trying to claim she belong there but really her only purpose was for the comic relief of “thank god that’s not my life” she would be the poster of how fucking bad it could be; yet she’s still standing. Without reason or hope or religion and no one could figure out why. She was a mess of mental and physical disorders and she had to live around these limitations which really left her without living at all. She existed as a waste of atoms and air. She would laugh at the connotations that she was worth something. She was meaningless an oblique blip in the lives of the people who shaped hers. It’s amazing to be forgotten, to be nothing to the people who are everything to you.
I am not to be someone’s hero
I am nothing to aspire to.
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[14 May 2009|04:02pm] |
i was written out of his life, out of the plans with ease.
its so funny its so fucking funny. everything is just so fucking hilarious.
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[27 Apr 2009|09:23pm] |
i have.. a feeling.
my mom is in the hospital.
she started having chest pains at work this morning and shes now staying at the hospital over night.
i have the same feeling I had when my dad was in the hospital.
that feeling that makes me go silent and turns off my mind or ability to comprehend the events occuring infront of me.
the feeling that lets me know, everything is about to get so fucked up.
i have.. a feeling.
May 20, 2005
Today has over all been weird. I dont know how to explain it or put it into words. I just kind of know. Its like Ive been walking in this haze. a dream the entire day and soon I'll wake up and everything will be okay. But yet in the back of my head i know it wont.
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[21 Apr 2009|06:25pm] |
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[19 Apr 2009|07:36pm] |
i think im losing my mind
not in the over dramatic sense of OH GOD EVERYTHING SUCKS AND I CANT KEEP SHIT IN ORDER
but the fact that now whenever something happens that upsets me and i start crying- like full on sobbing- i start laughing because simultaneously i find it hilarious.
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| one, two, and three, he's gone. |
[19 Jan 2009|02:25pm] |
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music |
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album of the year - the good life |
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i tried my best not to cry the entire time we were curled up in my bed this morning. i tried not to look at the clock, as if it didnt exist, then the time wouldnt come that he would have to leave. if we could have just stayed in that moment forever, i would have been totally fine for the rest of my life.. dad came in and was bugging me and i was just like "can you leave, i only have a little while longer before he has to go." dad seemed kind of peeved but left us alone. we got outside and man. the second he walked away i started crying. i really didnt want him to go. it was really really hard for me. i miss him alot and its only been two hours. this weekend was just.. it was really.. right. Valentines day better come quick.
=/
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| day two |
[19 Jan 2009|12:28am] |
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so while its still fresh in my memory. he came over. we ate sandwiches and watched americans next top model (HAHAHA) so then we ended up going to arrowhead and we walked around for a bit and i mentioned that we passed by my old school and.. fuck man. it was so perfect he was like "LETS GO!"
and so.. he took me back to my old school and let me walk around and talk and.. he doesnt even know it but that was like my number one dream date type thing.. i ended up stealing a hoodie and tanktop from the lost and found, hahaha. then we were going to drive home but it was getting dark so i took him to my favorite place in the city. up in the mountains where you can see the city lights.. so we hung out there for awhile then went back home and ended up in my room n stuff.
THINGS HAPPENED. i totally really didnt expect it. its not like i feel bad about it or something, which really surprises me. im so comfortable with him. he ended up leaving at 11 and iunno.. its like this weird aching feeling now that hes gone. he asked me to go for a drive with him but my parents wouldnt let me. ugh. i just.. iunno. i feel like i should be spending every moment with him that i can before he leaves tomorrow..
i keep asking him to stay.
i really wish he could..
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[17 Jan 2009|11:28pm] |
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sososososososososo amazing.
i was nervous before he got here but when he did i was like.. totally calm.
he met my mom then we ended up going to the park and iunno everything was really great from there.
it was kinda weird at first but then we just melted together. it was cute he asked me to take off my shoes to show him how short i am and when i stood infront of him to show him he tilted my head up and kissed me. iunno i was just like "sdhfjshdfls;sdf" everything was super cute.
so then we went back to my room and i got him the money (i was paying for his hotel) so he went to get a room then came back. we watched part of cat in the hat then went to venture out for food.
while we were at the place this chick who looked really familiar came up to me when james had went to the bathroom and she was like "do you remember me?" i was like "you look familiar but i cant really place it" and she was like "i was in theatre with you. what happened to chris?" so i got to tell her the fun story of how he left me got tamara pregnant and married her and moved to north dakota. she said she was so sorry and that i could totally do better and i said thanks. and then she left. it was weird. james came back and could visibly see i was upset (i really hate having to tell the story of chris to people, especially when they try to be nice about it/knew we were engaged) so then we left and were driving around for a bit and i didnt want to go home so we went to frys electronics and he ended up getting a movie. so we went back and watched the end of cat in the hat then started to watch his movie but i was getting tired and just wanted to cuddle him so i dont really know what happened in the movie haha. dad came in while we were cuddling and asked james "so is she what you expected" and i was like "DAD!" and james got kind of flustered and was like "well on the internet you get more of someones personality and in real life theyre shy.. but shes uh a really great girl!" and when my dad left he was like "god that was so not the right answer. youre so much more amazing than i could have ever thought. youre so much more than i deserve." it was sweet. i melted. so he left back to the hotel after his movie cause he was running off one hour of sleep. <3 i just never thought i could be THIS comfortable with someone and he makes me super happy.
I havent felt like this in years.
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